The common problems that come with blended families can be a frustrating. If there is any one thing that should be labeled as a major learning curve in life, it would be the art of blending two families. When you blend to lifestyles together that have their own set ways underneath one roof, it can be a challenge.
Anyone that has went through a divorce or has children from previous relationships, knows that it can be a challenge finding another long term companion. One who is willing to accept the choices from your past life. When you find that certain someone who you connect with, one that has shared some of the same struggles in the dating game as you after a previous divorce or breakup, then it only seems paramount to proceed to the next level.
When you finally decide to take that leap
There is one major factor that you must bring into the equation, your children. Before children life is much easier for young couples. All they have is nothing but their hopes and dreams to try to mesh together. They have their relationship struggles too as all couples do when first starting out. One of the main common problems with blended families is the adjustment. It’s much easier to be responsible for yourself versus trying to establish a whole new family with separate backgrounds and ideas from a previous life.
So the decision has been made, Let’s move in!
The two of you have discussed the pros and cons of bringing your families together under one roof. The situation seems very manageable and the both of you are ready to announce to your children of what is getting ready to take place. The kids seem overcome with joy, they are happy that they are going to gain another brother or sister. The closer they are in age, the more ecstatic they might be.
The younger the kids are, the better they adapt to the situation. The oldest might seem a little more resentful. They may feel this other person is trying to take their mother or father’s place. This is not uncommon. Maybe there was a few years of elapsed time between the divorce of their mother and father and now they feel the other person is going to steal the spotlight from them. Maybe they despise the relationship entirely because they have given themselves false hope that one day their mother and father might get back together someday.
Make no mistake, it isn’t always necessarily the oldest that feels this way. In fact, all or none of them may or may not feel any resentment for the situation whatsoever. Each situation is unique. This certainly should not discourage two people who love each other to throw their hands in the air and walk away. Situations such as these are just something you’ll simply want to be prepared for.
The most common problem for blended families is children, hands down
The kids are not the problem most of the time, it is the parents. The “my kid, your kid” syndrome kicks into full swing. Everything may start off on the right foot, but after the honeymoon period is over, each starts putting their own children on pedestals.
“My kid keeps their room clean, my kid does all the chores around here, my kid gets all good grades.” And then, “You don’t discipline your kid, your kid needs to do more around here, your kid takes too long in the shower so my kid can’t get one because the hot water is all gone, your kid was in my kid’s room.” I know all that sounds somewhat petty, but it will spark some of the most heated arguments in a blended household.
It is an everyday challenge to raise kids without sweating the small stuff. One of the most common problems with blended families is that each parent wants to turn a blind eye. Right is right and wrong is wrong, don’t justify your own child’s behavior. If your child misbehaves, it is up to you as a couple to address the issue no matter who’s kid it is. Nobody likes to be compared to someone else. It is especially frustrating when one child sees that the other one can get away with murder and not suffer any consequences.
The rebellious child
Often the most misunderstood child, rebellious attitudes can disrupt the entire household. Most of the time there are underlying issues that they are trying to mask. As stated before, a child may resent the relationship for various reasons. There is nothing more frustrating for a step parent that is trying to discipline a child in which they are trying to help raise, than to hear the words “you’re not my dad or you’re not my mom.” When a child expresses disrespect such as this toward a step parent, it is up to the biological parent to intervene and address the matter. In short, if everybody respects everybody, then things will tend to work a little more smoothly.
Stop fighting!
There will be times when the kids disagree, I mean, they’re kids. What parents must not do is choose to side with their own kids, simply because that is their child. Thinking your own kid could do no wrong is about as blind as you can get. You as parents must sit down with both children when there is a problem, listen and try to resolve the issue at hand. A decision doesn’t have to be promptly made right then and there. After you have calmed down all parties involved, go into private with your spouse and discuss whatever punishment that is deemed necessary. No matter what, you should always back each other’s decision as a husband and wife.
In conclusion
There are many factors that must come into play for a blended family to work. Hold your child accountable for their actions. Don’t try to compare one kid to the other, this creates tension among the children. Communicate with your spouse on issues that need to be addressed. Any issues that need to be addressed must be done as a husband-and-wife team.
Don’t leave it up to one parent to always be the bad guy because that just isn’t fair. The children learn to resent the one that always issues the discipline. Favoritism only drives a wedge between what you are trying to build and accomplish. Under no circumstance should you ever make any of the children in the home feel like they are not wanted there.
Blending two families together takes commitment and hard work, it is not for the weak. As long as everyone feels like they are part of an actual family, then everything else will fall into place. Work together and your new family should run like a well oiled machine. Navigate through the turbulence and you are bound to come out stronger and closer then you could ever imagine.